By Marc C. Shaffer
There’s a saying I love: “Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care.”
That one sentence has guided me through thousands of conversations—with clients, new connections, colleagues, and community members. It reminds me that if you want to build trust, you have to start by being genuinely curious about the person sitting across from you.
One of the easiest ways I’ve found to connect with people on a deeper level is using a simple acronym I first heard at a Rotary International conference years ago:
FORD—Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams
It stuck with me because it’s simple, memorable, and incredibly effective. When you meet someone new, just ask about their FORD. It might sound like a cheesy sales technique, but trust me—it works, especially when your intent is to understand, not just respond.
Let’s break it down.
F – Family
Most people light up when they talk about their family. Instead of stopping at, “Do you have kids?”, try going a step further. If they mention a grandchild, ask their name. Then, here’s the key—follow up later.
I’ll make a note and set a calendar reminder to check in on how the baby is doing next time we talk. It might sound small, but these thoughtful touches show that I was truly listening. Over time, those small check-ins build big trust.
I call it systematizing kindness—not because it’s robotic, but because systems help me remember what matters to the people I meet.
O – Occupation
We spend a lot of our lives at work, and most people have something to say about their job—even if they don’t love it. I like asking what people enjoy about their work, what’s challenging, or what they’re working toward.
It’s also important to remember: not everyone defines themselves by their day job. Some people light up when talking about a nonprofit they support, a board they serve on, or a side project that gives their life purpose.
The goal is to read the room. Not everyone wants to talk shop—and that’s okay. When you find what they care about, that’s where the real connection happens.
R – Recreation
Want to get someone talking? Ask what they do for fun. Whether it’s travel, live music, their kids’ sports, or baking sourdough bread, recreation is often where people feel most themselves.
For me, if someone says they went to Kansas State, I’m instantly ready to swap stories. I’ve made great connections just by asking about someone’s favorite game day memory or their go-to college bar.
The late Dale Carnegie once said: “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” I think he was on to something.
D – Dreams
This one’s a little deeper. Dreams require vulnerability. I like asking where someone sees themself in five years—not just professionally, but personally too.
What are they excited about?
What are they building?
What change do they hope to create?
When someone shares a dream with you, it’s a gift. And if you can help them take even one small step toward that dream—by introducing them to someone, supporting a cause, or just being a sounding board—you’ll build a relationship rooted in purpose.
Here’s an example. I serve on the board of Growing Futures Early Education Center. I joined partly to support a friend who was the Executive Director at the time, but also because at that point in my life, I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to have kids of my own.
That uncertainty gave me a deeper appreciation for what Growing Futures does—supporting children and families through early education. And when I talk about why the organization matters to me, it opens up a much richer conversation than just, “I’m on a board.”
The Power of Vulnerability
When I meet someone new, I try to remember another quote—this one from Stephen Covey: “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
It’s easy to fall into that trap, especially when you’re trying to make a good impression. But the real magic happens when you pause and just listen to hear.
That’s what I try to do when I talk about my own story—including the fertility journey my wife and I went through to have our children. We went through three retrievals, multiple transfers, and long stints away from home during the pandemic. It wasn’t easy—but we came out stronger and more grateful than ever.
Now, when someone tells me they’re struggling with something deeply personal, I get it. And I’m open to sharing our story, because it helps others feel less alone. That kind of openness invites honesty in return—and that’s the kind of connection that lasts.
Connection, Not Conversion
If you’re in a relationship-building role—whether as a financial planner, small business owner, or community leader—remember this: you don’t have to “convert” every person you meet into a client or customer.
Instead, focus on building relationships with people who feel seen:
- Use FORD to guide your curiosity
- Ask questions that matter
- Share your own story when it’s meaningful
- And follow up to show that you were paying attention.
Because in the end, the best kind of networking isn’t transactional—it’s transformational.
Want more ideas like this? This post is inspired by a chapter from my upcoming book, One For All: How to Systemize Kindness, Grow Your Network, and Support Others Like It’s Your Job—coming out this summer.
Want to stay updated on the book release? Sign up for updates here and be the first to know when it’s available.